Window to Your Mind
by TheXFire
Summary: In which Cecil is actually a mental patient and Night Vale is his delusion.
1. Chapter 1

**New Job**

_August 21 2013, 2145 hrs_

Never much liked writing outside of research notes but much has transpired today and am currently in a motel in Adelanto, 50 miles from home and no one to talk to. Initially disdained Eva's advice about bringing diary to write in but now finding it very useful. Must remember thank her when I return.

Finally received the new case that they have been talking about all week. Long drive out to Adelanto. Initially asked why they could not move patient to psychiatric ward here, but was told that patient was "very upsetting to others". Wanted to make snide remark about since when mental hospital patients were not upsetting to others, but decided better of it. Do not want to risk losing this apparently very interesting case.

Almost mistook Elmwood Psychiatric Home as a luxury retreat from the outside, but once inside the atmosphere changes very much. Do not like the way they treat the inmates; but not my job to comment. Once research is finished, hopefully can twist a few arms to get the place more sympathetic caretakers and better facilities; but for now must concentrate on given case.

Patient was in Cell 7, Floor 2, Block D. Cell was uncharacteristically dark. Perhaps because he had unscrewed the light bulb, and was currently offering it for sale, saying that someone called "Old Woman Josie" had said it had been touched by an angel. Patient did not react when caretaker took light bulb from him and screwed it back in. Under the light could see that patient was hunched over a pizza box with a banana strapped to his head, speaking into it as if it were a headphone set. Caretaker told me that he believed himself to be a radio station operator, and they had given him the pizza box and banana to keep him occupied.

Do not know how long we continued to stand and listen to patient blather on about the "dog park" and "Old Woman Josie" (Note: recurring characters in patient's delusions may offer some clue to possible cure) but suddenly patient stood up and made towards me. Was shocked as I had been told that patient would not notice me. Had my hand on taser ready to use it on patient when he held out his hand. "Good evening, Mr (quick glance at my nametag; had forgotten I was wearing it) Carlos. So nice of you to visit my radio station." Introduced himself as Cecil Palmer; host of Night Vale Radio Station. Was surprised at how well groomed and eloquent patient was. Would have mistaken him for a normal man in the street if not for regulation hospital overalls and banana still strapped to his head.

After termination of observation of patient, caretaker confided that he was surprised that patient had acknowledged me. Apparently, patient has not acknowledged anyone or anything present without his delusions for the past 5 years. Do not know if this is good news or bad news; having an anchor to objective reality will definitely speed up research and information collection, however, am not sure that I want to be that anchor. Will keep this development away from supervisors for now and see how things develop from here.

Am very tired now and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and the mug of hot chocolate on bedside stand are beckoning. Miss Eva. Hope she will be okay staying at her father's house until I return. Note to self to request tape recorder to replace pizza box for patient so as to obtain recordings of patient's delusions. Though a portion of it has already burned itself into my brain.

_Good night, Night Vale. Good night._


	2. Chapter 2

**Cecil**

_September 1, 2013. 2250 hrs_

Project: Tape Recorder shall have to wait. Thought of requisitioning one from headquarters at first, but after visiting Elmwood this morning had disturbing news. Caretaker told me that patient had not stopped talking about me all night in his "radio broadcast". Quote unquote:

" That new scientist we now know is named Carlos called a town meeting. He has a square jaw and teeth like a military cemetery. (Note: Cemetery?! Could provide some clues on cause of patient's disorder. Wish I had not dropped psychology class in semester 2.) His hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure."

Most disturbing:

"He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly."

! Patient's fixation on me is more serious than previously thought. (Why?!) Had to bribe caretaker not to pass on this information to supervisors. Requisitioning tape recorder from headquarters is out of the question now. Looks like shall have to buy tape recorder with own money. Shall be wanting one even more now since I am not keen to be dealing with patient's uninvited attentions.

Or should I say, Cecil. His name is the only other thing in objective reality that he seems to have a hold onto. Had the (dubious) pleasure of reading through patient's case file over the last week. Began to understand why case was classified as "interesting". Cecil Gerschwin Palmer. Age 26. No surviving family members known. First committed to St Marina's Hospital after being diagnosed as severely mentally disturbed in a lawsuit against a Mr & Mrs Wallaby for calling their daughter a disembodied man's hand and causing damage to her mental well-being. Transferred 5 times in as many years because of harassment of other patients. (Case file states that while his anger may be directed at any of the other patients he usually addresses his object of disdain as "Steve Carlsberg". Note to self: another recurring character in patient's Cecil's delusions. I must remember to call him Cecil) Doctors unable to classify patien Cecil's disorder as symptoms do not fall into recognizable category. As has already been observed, patien Cecil does not respond to stimuli without delusions. Light, sound and pain tests all report negative even though patient's sensory organs seem to be in working order. (Cecil. I meant Cecil.) Treatment with electroshock and medication has also proven futile. Doctors unable to obtain differential diagnosis for him, hence he is currently listed under "schizoid disorders". Though he exhibits hallucinations to a degree far above two standard deviations of the regular symptoms reported by schizophrenics, he does not seem to have any of the fragmented thinking associated. Listening to his "radio broadcasts" reveals a perfectly clear train of thought, though subjects within said "broadcast" are all fantasy. Patien (God damn it) CECIL retains a standard of wit and humor that would be greatly appreciated by society if he were of otherwise standard mental capabilities.

Wish mental disorders were not always so hit and miss. But perhaps with this case may finally be able to finish my study, then perhaps will be able to widen the field of knowledge in this area. However, must not be overly optimistic. Focus on task at hand. Require to obtain tape recorder. Will visit hardware store around the corner over the weekend. Also, overheard patie CECIL mention cat into today's "broadcast". Will bring Caramel along tomorrow. Hope she will be able to provide another reference to reality for patien

_CECIL_. Why is it so hard to remember to call him by his name? Seems that the only thing that sticks in my head is his darkly luminous voice.

_Good night, Night Vale. Good night._


	3. Chapter 3

**Troubled Night**

_September 15, 2013. 2356 hours_

Have procured tape recorder, but recent events have delayed implementation of Project: Tape Recorder indefinitely.

Cecil has escaped.

Hardly anyone living in this town, so not concerned that Cecil will be a threat to public safety. In any case his biggest misdemeanors recorded in case file amount to merely harsh words. If anything, am more worried that passers-by will hurt Cecil than he them. He likes to speak in a "professional" manner at all times but passers-by may take this as arrogance, and often his delusions present him with, to say the least, offensive, ideas. Overheard him last week saying in his "broadcast" that "the city hospital will now be able to provide syphilis and AIDS to anyone who can't afford it, for free!" At that moment could see a vein bulge in caretaker's head and only with much effort managed to stop caretaker from hitting Cecil with the broom he was carrying at the moment. People who have suffered such misfortunes do not remember that Cecil is not in control of his mental faculties and thus wish to hurt him for his insensitive remarks that his delusions compel him to speak. Wonder what other abuses Cecil has had to tolerate for his illness.

Unfortunately was allowed to find out today.

Arrived late at Elmwood today because was held up by tape recorder purchase. Was surprised by uncharacteristic rowdiness when approaching Cecil's cell. Also a cloud of smoke near the end of corridor. Went to check out commotion and found that caretakers and janitors had gone into Cecil's cell and were blowing air horns and banging on metal buckets in his general direction, as well as throwing smoke bombs at him to scare him. Cecil himself was found cowering under table with now-rotten banana still strapped to his head, fearfully but still faithfully "reporting". Upon investigation found out that Cecil had said something about hooded figures stealing babies which enraged one of the caretakers whose child had been stolen from her, and when Cecil happened to speak about contract negotiations with station management they had thought this appropriate revenge.

Does no one remember that the man is ill? Stormed into cell to tell caretakers and janitors off, but Cecil took this chance to make a break for the door and escape. All their smoke from earlier caused us not to realize until too late. Managed to regain earlier bribe to caretaker in exchange for me keeping silent about their treatment of Cecil and his subsequent escape, but derive no joy from it. (Also, inflation means the bribe has now decreased in value by 0.75%. Apologies. Am failing to cheer self up with own lame jokes.) Hope Cecil found shoes. The winter is not kind.

Did not call Eva tonight. Too upset. Caramel also upset by long drive and no treat at end. Research will be postponed indefinitely until Cecil is taken back into custody. Suppose will visit home this weekend and return when Cecil is found. Have half a mind to disregard bribe and report to supervisors anyway and get more qualified and sympathetic staff for this institution. Do not think they will take it kindly though. Professionalism dictates that one must not form emotional attachments with patients. Am sure to get admonished for commenting on matters outside of job scope. Frankly am creeped out at best by Cecil's apparent affections for me, but for God's sake is it wrong to want to treat him nicely?

Tape recorder still lying on bedside table. Seems like it will take longer than previously thought to see how Cecil takes to it. Maybe should test it out myself first.

_Good night, Night Vale, Good night._


	4. Chapter 4

**Most Definitely Do NOT Smell Like Lavender Chewing Gum**

_September 29, 2235 hours_

Realised that I have not been keeping up with this ever since return to Crestville. Having Eva around to talk to renders this functionless. Shall put one entry in here though, just to remind me of home when I have to inevitably return to the field. Which will probably be soon. So far, no news of Cecil, but they cannot be allowing me to draw a paycheck whilst doing nothing. Most likely will be assigned to a new case until Cecil is found, dead or alive. Am hoping that it will be somewhere close by.

Can hear the shower now. Have about 20 minutes before Eva will be done showering and calls me to bed. So glad to be back with her. She was also very happy to see me. Not sure if absence makes the heart grow fonder, or if she is really more beautiful and funny and kind than I remembered her before I left. Made a slight blunder with her on the first night. Being away made me forget. Was cuddling with her in bed and got into the mood. She must have felt me pressing up against her because she gently pushed me away and turned to face me. Was initially afraid that she would be angry with me but she just attributed it to me being away for a while and forgetting and had a laugh about it. Am glad that she is so understanding, and respect her wishes, but sometimes wish that she had come to me already experienced. Since, well, it is not like we will be able to get married any time soon on my pay. Do not understand why society places so much value on a woman's virtue. Do not imagine I would have loved her any less otherwise.

Every time I stop writing for a while I get distracted by the music from the radio. There is honestly nothing nice to listen to nowadays. Autotune and versificators have virtually robbed the music industry of any real talent, and most radio show hosts are full of base or juvenile comedy. Seems like Caramel agrees with me. She has hopped off my lap and is stalking towards the radio. Press - smart cat. Oh. Not so smart cat. That's not the off switch. That's just change channel. Guess I'll have to do it myse

Confess I wrote this segment after a few calls to Elmwood. When Caramel changed radio channels heard something I never thought I'd hear:

"Carlos, beautiful Carlos, tragically shorn of his locks, reportedly was the only dissenting voice - but it is not clear he actually opposed the measure, as the minutes only report him stating, "There is no time. No more time," into a black rectangle in his hand, then running, winded, from the community hall. According to Old Woman Josie, he was still absolutely perfect, and smelled of lavender chewing gum."

Lavender chewing gum?! (Alright confess I wrote this segment after a few calls to Elmwood AND a trip to the local supermarket. Hope Eva does not notice unused cologne in the bin.) But more connected to rest of diary's subject matter, Cecil! How he managed to get his hands on recording and broadcasting equipment one can only imagine. Do not know how to feel about this. (Have not known how to feel about Cecil since the day I met him, I realised.) He is alive and now that his channel is known it will not be difficult to find him, but it seems that prolonged exposure to the outside world has weakened his mental faculties even further. Now he is hallucinating my presence and actions. Although some progress seems to have been made regarding his retention of observations of objective reality. He remembers I cut my hair. Seems unduly affected by it though. Once again am reminded of his unsettling attachment to me. Wonder if any other doctors have faced this before?

At any rate seems that return to Adelanto is imminent now. So not much point in writing anymore; will end here for today. Eva is about to turn off the lights; now wishing me good night.

And before the radio is silenced, so does someone else.

_Good night, Night Vale. Good night._

* * *

**Note:** Okay uhm now that there is sufficient of my material to judge pacing and writing style, may I appeal for some reviews? It would be most helpful for me to improve my writing skills so as to give you a more pleasurable reading experience. Positive or negative reviews are all appreciated, but may I also appeal that all judgments be substantiated with evidence please, for example, "This story is terrible, because Carlos is too emotional right from the start and also the pacing is too fast, too many things happening in 4 chapters". No blind praise or blind criticism, thank you.

Also have noticed that many fanfiction authors put a disclaimer, so wondering if I should too, but honestly do I really need to tell you that I don't own Night Vale and no profit is intended when I'm writing on a site called ?


	5. Chapter 5

**Return**

_October 2, 2232 hours_

Back in Adelanto. As expected, received a summons from headquarters the moment Cecil was found. Eva was not pleased when I told her about the radio broadcast and even less so when the official summons from headquarters arrived. She pouted and hid the car keys until I promised that I would visit her every fortnight. Caramel also not thrilled, screeched through the whole car ride back and tried to escape whenever we stopped for gas. Personally have mixed feelings about summons. Reluctant to leave Eva and my comfortable bed for a rickety motel in Adelanto after so short a time, but am glad that Cecil has been found alive. He is really the most interesting case I have met so far and I would be very disappointed to lose him with so little research on my hands as of now.

Speaking of Cecil, he has been reinstated back to his old cell at Elmwood. Apparently, during his absence he had found an abandoned house nearby and lived there. Radio broadcast was done with equipment cobbled together from garage of abandoned house. Caretakers were very impressed, but I have seen the same with other patients before. Intriguing how patients retain random skills that one would assume would be lost together with their sanity. Cursory check by medical staff reveal nothing amiss, save a touch of frostbite and a few lost pounds. The man does not seem to exhibit any symptoms of lasting psychological trauma either, though...who can tell with his mind in the state that it is in.

But, it is good for me, because it means that I am allowed to conduct my research on him proper at last! No Caramel - Caramel was tired from the drive so I let her stay at home, but finally my tape recorder gets some action. Caretakers helped me hide it inside the pizza box so that he wouldn't spoil it by accident. (That box _smells_. Foresee a lot of my money being spent on clingfilm.) My first recording! Research will go so much faster now that I have full recordings of his "broadcasts" instead of just snippets of conversation to extrapolate from. Have actually listened to today's recordings and finished taking down required notes, but there are a couple of things that are too unscientific to appear in my journals and so shall appear here instead.

Feelings towards Cecil have changed much since the airing of this "broadcast". He is still infatuated with me, it seems, raging on about my haircut (oh for God's sake, you haven't seen me much because you were hiding out in an abandoned house, not because I was afraid to appear in public with my current haircut!) and I am still apprehensive about his infatuations with me, but being able to listen to the whole broadcast reveals sides of him that I never thought to question before. He has a perfect appreciation of dry humour (must admit I laughed out loud at the part about the Green Market) and his treatment of the supposed death of the (I hope) fictional Leland demonstrates a surprisingly mature compassion lacking even in the majority of sane individuals that I have had the (dis)pleasure of interacting with. Of course, it is, as I am frequently reminded, my job to collect information and not to question, but sometimes I do wonder if we really have the correct people behind bars. Most affecting of all was his sudden contemplation of, in his words, "whether he is literally the only person in the world, speaking to himself in a fit of madness caused by his inability to admit the tragedy of his own existence". (Did not put this into my journal. Do not want headquarters releasing him on an off comment before he is well.) Was shocked at first, thinking that he might possibly have had a breakthrough into sanity. He concluded otherwise, but that did not reassure me at all.

He was the one talking, genially enough, but I felt so terribly, terribly alone. All these years, all the patients that I helped take care of - I thought I was helping them, but really all that I was doing was taking wild shots into the dark. Their cavalry will never arrive. Cecil's cavalry will never arrive. He is in the dragon's cave alone, and I cannot pass. I have two PhDs in medicine and psychology; I can rattle off the prescription drugs and symptoms of any conceivable mental disorder, yet, even though I can be standing right next to Cecil, only he can see the dragon. I can only shoot into the dark and hope that it will hit the dragon and not him.

Am listening to the recording again. Cannot write anymore. Talking about this makes me think about Marcia. Cannot help wondering if this is what she felt. At that time I was so angry at her for leaving me, so angry at her for not telling me how to make things better - It is too late for _mi hermanita _now, but if anyone is outside waiting for Cecil, I promise - I will bring him out alive.

The tape is ending. Good. Cecil's little introspective discourse might have made me feel terribly isolated, but I always find that his ending remarks oddly enough, make you feel less alone in the vast dark night.

_Good night, Night Vale. Good night._

* * *

**Note: **Hello guys! Thanks for all the reviews. I will do my best to improve accordingly. (Oh but re: writing style I did want to make it sound that way, without the subjects. Although yes after reading it again myself I find it a bit confusing too. Will try to add in the subject whenever Carlos isn't referring to himself. I hope that makes the reading smoother?) Please send more if you please XD

Also to my tiny little group of followers: I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE POST and also I AM SO SORRY THAT THE NEXT ONE WILL BE EVEN LATER because I am going overseas for 2 weeks. XP I shall rush out many chapters once I get back. Many apologies for the inconvenience.

Oh yes also does anyone know where to get the full transcripts of night vale eps cos as you may have noticed I try to align this fic with what happens in nv eps but I really don't want to listen to them all over again reading is much faster. If you know anywhere where we can read nv transcripts please pm me THANK YOU *KISS*


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